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Beating Potty Training Setbacks

When it comes to potty training, there’s no shortage of methodology and advice for parents searching for the “right” way. Turns out, though, that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to teach your toddler to use the toilet—whatever works for your family, works.

“There are some universal tenets to training, but parents have a lot of latitude. Give yourself permission to individualize the process according to you and your child,” says Peter Stavinoha, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in children and adolescents and the author of Stress-Free Potty Training. But what happens if you hit a speed bump—and need some ideas for getting back on track? Here, three common potty training roadblocks, plus how you can help your toddler overcome them. 

The setback

Your 28-month-old is showing developmental signs of readiness—the ability to pull down her own pants, climb up on a chair, follow verbal directions, and express physical sensations like hunger—but she’s still resisting using the potty.

The solution

Physical and cognitive development are only part of the equation. “The other part of potty training readiness is interest and motivation on the part of the child,” Stavinoha says. While you can’t force your child into potty training (the more pressure you put on her, the more she’ll push back), you can help her connect using the toilet with other things she likes, increasing her motivation. For instance, if she makes a comment about big girl underpants, let her know that that’s related to potty training, since she has to know how to use the bathroom to be able to wear them.

Also bear in mind that in the long run, it doesn’t matter whether it takes two days or two months to get your child truly excited about using the toilet. “Locking yourself into a timeline only creates opportunities to act out of a sense of urgency, which ends up being counterproductive,” explains Stavinoha.  Potty training is a process that’s literally controlled by your child, and you’ll avoid resistance once she’s seriously motivated.

The setback

Your child can use the potty, but still has accidents a couple of times a week. You don’t want to appear angry or upset—but don’t quite want your toddler to think it’s okay, either.

The solution

Accidents are a completely normal—and even expected—part of the potty training process. And since they’re simply going to happen, you want to treat them matter-of-factly instead of responding emotionally: “You wouldn’t get mad at your child if he mispronounces a word while he’s learning to read, since he’s still developing the skill, but you would want to help him get it right for next time. The same is true for potty training,” Stavinoha says. Next time, involve your child in the clean-up process by having him take his underwear to the washing machine. You’ll help him understand that it’s important to try to make it to the toilet on time, but that accidents aren’t the end of the world.

The setback

Your toddler does great with peeing in the toilet, but he’ll only poop in his pull-up.

The solution

This isn’t unusual: Bowel movements in the toilet do tend to come only after a child feels comfortable urinating in the potty. Before tackling the problem though, check with your family’s pediatrician to make sure your child isn’t experiencing any physical discomfort.  “Fear might initially cause a child to not go, resulting in painful constipation that creates a cycle,” Stavinoha says.

Once that’s been ruled out, practice sessions can help your child feel more at ease. If he’s willing to sit on the potty, offer him a story to read, which serves as a relaxing way to take his mind off the task at hand. If he insists on going in a pull-up, that’s fine too—but tell him it has to happen in the bathroom. He can start just by standing in there, then later progressing to going in the pull-up over a closed toilet, then over an open toilet, then without a pull-up. “The desire for a pull-up will eventually go away on its own, but if your child insists on using one, he should empty it into the toilet afterwards,” Stavinoha says.